Pussy Willows
by ben1981
Summary: Blanche's old college friend, Pussy Willows, comes to spend the night with Blanche and the girls. However, Blanche's friend has changed since college. And not for the better.
1. Pussy Is Coming To Town

Golden Girls: Pussy Willows

Written

by

Ben Dover

Disclaimer- I don't own the Golden Girls, the characters, or anything. But I did write this story, based on the characters created for the TV Show Golden Girls.

Chapter One: Pussy Is Coming To Town!

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia were all sitting in the living room watching TV. Mama's Family was on. Sophia started cracking up and slapping her knee. She then pointed at the TV, as Dorothy and Rose both gave her weird looks.

"That old lady cracks me up," Sophia said, continuining to laugh.

Dorothy starts sniffing the air. She then makes a face of disgust.

"What is that awful odor?" Dorothy asked.

"Don't look at me. I haven't passed gas in forty-five minutes," Rose said, smiling.

"Thanks for the details, Rose. Ma, did you wet yourself?" Dorothy asked.

"Let it go, Dorothy. It'll dry," Sophia said.

Everyone turned around when Blanche strode into the living room. She was grinning from ear to ear.

"Who were you talking to on the phone for so long?" Dorothy asked.

"That's what I'd like to know. You haven't been on the phone for that long since you took that side job as a phone sex operator," Rose said.

"And that job paid good money too. Plus it's the only job I've ever had where I could have sex with lots of men without having to worry about getting pregnant," Blanche said, playing with her hair.

"Give it a rest, Blanche. Who was on the phone?" Dorothy asked, agitated.

"It was my friend from college. Her name is Pussy Willows. She's coming to stay here for the night," Blanche said.

"Pussy Willows? That's my favorite movie. Well, after Deep Throat," Sophia said.

"Ma, must you admit that you watch dirty movies," Dorothy said, raising her voice.

"Hey, I'm in my eighties. At my age, you should be glad that I can still watch anything," Sophia said.

"In St. Olaf, we had a theater that showed dirty movies. Oh, I can remember seeing Gone With The Wind and Casablanca there," Rose said, getting nostalgic.

"But Rose, those aren't dirty movies," Dorothy said.

"Well, in St. Olaf they were. There, any movie with kissing was considered dirty," Rose said.

"Oh, I'm so excited about Pussy coming to town," Blanche said, jumping up and down like a little girl.

"Pussy has already come to town. Just look around. There's nothing but pussy in this room," Sophia said.

"Oh, Ma," Dorothy said, reaching over and pinching her mother's arm.

"Well, I'm going to go get ready. Pussy said she would be here in about an hour. Lord, I haven't seen that woman since college. So, it's been about fifteen years," Blanche said.

"Try thirty years, Blanche," Dorothy said.

"Leave her alone, Dorothy. Let the slut think that she's younger than she really is," Sophia said flatly.

Blanche walked off toward her bedroom, laughing. The other women turned their attention to back to the TV.


	2. Blanche Talks About Pussy

Chapter Two: Blanche Talks About Pussy

Dorothy and Rose were in the kitchen drinking coffee out of large mugs, when Blanche pranced into the room. She was wearing a black tank top and a black short skirt. She was also wearing a large amount of make-up.

"Somewhere Madonna is frantically searching for her lost tank top and skirt," Dorothy said, staring at Blanche.

"Well, I hope she finds her clothes. I know what it's like to not be able to find something," Rose said, shaking her head.

"Yeah, like your brain," Sophia said, walking into the kitchen to join the girls.

"What's with the wardrode, Blanche?" Dorothy asked.

"Yeah, you look even sluttier than usual," Sophia said, sitting down at the kitchen table across from Dorothy.

"Oh, I'm just dressed like this for Pussy. You see, this is how I used to dress in college," Blanche said, twirling so the girls could see her from the back.

"You mean you dressed like a prostitute then, too," Sophia said.

"Sophia, the things you say. Blanche, don't listen to her. You're not dressed like a prostitute," Rose said.

"Thanks, Rose," Blanche said, sitting down at the kitchen table beside Rose.

"You're dressed like a hooker," Rose said, laughing.

"But Rose, a prostitute and a hooker are the same thing," Dorothy said.

"Why are you bothering explaining anything to Rose? She's a dumbass," Sophia said.

"Oh, I'm so nervous and excited about Pussy coming. And my hormones are raging out of control," Blanche said.

"Why are your hormones raging? Do you have a date tonight, too?" Dorothy asked.

"No. It's just that there's something I haven't told ya'll about my friend, Pussy," Blanche said.

"Trust me, I know everything there is to know about pussy. I'm in my eighties. I've heard, seen, and done it all. Except for anal. I've never done anal," Sophia said.

"Ma, will you let Blanche tell us about her friend," Dorothy said impatiently.

"Yeah, Sophia. I want to know about Pussy," Rose said.

"Then call your mother," Sophia said.

"Well, if ya'll must know, Pussy and I had a little fling in college. She was my first and only lesbian lover," Blanche said, turning her head in shame.

"I knew all along that there was something different about you, Blanche. Now that I know what it is, I can die in peace. You're a dyke," Sophia said, smiling.

"I am not. I just had one lesbian love affair. And I'm hoping that when Pussy gets here, we can rekindle our past romance," Blanche said.

"You know, I had a lesbian affair when I was younger too," Rose said.

Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia all turned and looked at Rose. Their mouths were open in surprise.

"You too? Next Ma is going to tell me that she had one as well," Dorothy said.

"Don't worry, Pussycat. The closest I've ever been to vagina is when I carried you for nine months," Sophia said.

"Rose, tell us about your affair," Blanche said, excitedly.

"What affair?" Rose asked.

"The affair you had with Michael Jackson. The lesbian affair, Rose!," Dorothy said, pounding her fists on the kitchen table.

"Oh, it was in St. Olaf. I was sixteen at the time. It was a hot summer night, and my friend PeePee PooPoo was staying the night. She was sleeping on the floor in my bedroom. Then I felt a movement in my bed," Rose said, pausing.

"Was it a bowel movement?" Sophia asked.

"No. I had a bowel movement earlier that night. It was PeePee. She was in my bed. I asked her why she got in bed with me. She then said that she couldn't sleep on the floor. Then I felt her foot brushing against mine." Rose said, looking down to collect her thoughts.

"Oh, this sounds better than I thought it would," Blanche said, fluffing her hair.

"Of course it sounds good to you. You're a lesbian," Sophia said.

Blanche made a face at Sophia, while Dorothy swatted her mother on the arm. Then Rose continued to tell the story.

"I turned and faced PeePee. She was wide-eyed and I could tell she was ready for action. So I threw my arms around her and gave her a big bear-sized hug. And we embraced all night. I was wonderful. It was the first time I had been hugged by anyone other than my parents," Rose concluded.

"That's it? All you two wild girls did was hug?" Blanche said, obviously frustrated.

"Yeah, what about this lesbian affair you mentioned?" Dorothy asked.

"Well, isn't that what lesbians do? Hug?" Rose asked cluelessly.

"Dorothy and Blanche, leave the room. It's about time I gave Rose 'the talk'," Sophia said, motioning for Dorothy and Blanche to leave.

Dorothy and Blanche got up and walked out into the living room. Sophia turned to Rose, who had a look of confusion on her face.

"Rose, it's time for me to tell you something that you're parents should have told you long ago," Sophia said.

"Well go and tell me, Sophia," Rose said.

"You're a dumbass," Sophia said, getting up from the table and walking out of the kitchen.

Rose continued to sit at the kitchen table, all alone in the kitchen.

"Well, I already knew that," Rose said quietly to herself.


	3. Pussy Arrives!

Chapter Three: Pussy Arrives!

Blanche, Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia were still in the kitchen gabbing, when they heard the doorbell ringing. Blanche stood up and started walking toward the kitchen door.

"Well, I wonder who that could be," Rose said.

"It's probably Pussy," Blanche said, stopping to look back at Rose.

"Whose pussy?" Rose asked cluelessly.

"Oh, Rose," Blanche said, walking out of the kitchen and into the living room.

The other ladies followed Blanche, until she reached the front door. She stopped and looked at the girls.

"I wonder if she's just as gorgeous as she was when we were in college," Blanche said, smiling.

"If you don't answer the door, we'll never know," Sophia said.

Blanche opened the front door. There was a fat, grotesque looking woman in the doorway. She was wearing tattered clothes and was covered in blood.

"Well, who the hell are you?" Blanche asked in annoyance.

"I'm Pussy Willows. Blanche, is that you?" Pussy asked, nervously picking her nose.

The ladies looked on in disgust as Pussy flung a booger onto the floor. Sophia shook her head and walked back into the kitchen.

"Yes, I'm Blanche. But you can't be Pussy. Pussy was pretty. You, on the other hand, have a face only a blind person could love," Blanche said.

"Well, what can I say. I've had a hard life. Are you going to let me in, or what? I have to clean myself up," Pussy said.

"Yes, come in. The bathroom is back there, first room on the right," Blanche said, pointing to the hallway.

"Thanks, Blanche. I've just got to take a shower. But first, I'll think I'll take a big dump. Do you have plenty of toilet paper?" Pussy asked.

"Yes. Help yourself," Blanche said.

The ladies watched in horror as Pussy staggered to the bathroom. Her blue jeans were so low, they could see her buttcrack.

"Aren't you going to ask her about the blood? And why her clothes are ripped?" Dorothy asked Blanche.

"After she takes her shower. I'm just in shock. That is not the same woman I went to college with," Blanche said.

"Then who is it? I mean, there aren't many women whose name is Pussy Willows, you know," Rose said.

"Shut up, Rose," Dorothy said bluntly.

"No, I mean she's changed. She's so hideous and gross," Blanche said, shaking her head.

The ladies turned around as Sophia returned to the living room. She had a big smile on her face.

"Hey, Blanche. Where'd your lover run off to?" Sophia asked, continuing to smile.

"Oh, Sophia. That woman is not my lover. She's not my anything. And I'm going to tell her that if she isn't going to act properly, she can get the hell out," Blanche said angrily, running out of the room.

"I remember when I could run like that. I remember when I could do a lot of things. I used to could screw like a bunny, but now all I can do is poop like one," Sophia said, as Rose and Dorothy shook their heads.


End file.
